That's what it is like to not have cable.

It's May and I have yet to see a single solitary Cubs game, which is disappointing me greatly.

I thought I had managed to keep on top of the off-season baseball news by reading ESPN.com, etc.... but apparently I didn't do a very a good job because last night while I did my laundry at my parents' house I caught the Yankees/ Mariners game and....


WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA... I'll be goddamned if TINO MARTINEZ isn't back playing for the Yankees! Why didn't anyone tell me?!

I haven't been a baseball fan for a super long time. I started watching and liking baseball in high school and the first team that I liked was the Yankees. To me the Yankees are a great introductory baseball team for two reasons: 1. Their games are on all of the time and 2. They win a lot. Also, at the time (mid to late 90s), they were actually an interesting team with, like, personality. Not the over-salaried, blandness they have become. My favorite players were, in order: Tino Martinez, Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill and Scott Brosius... and I maintained my adoration of Tino Martinez after he was signed by St. Louis after the 2001 season even though by that point I had moved on to my one true love, the Cubbies. I thought it was shitty that the Yankees didn't re-sign him after the 2001 World Series... everyone always talks about Derek Jeter's homerun in Game 4, but it was Tino's homerun that tied up the game and put it into extra innings, and to me that sums up the kind of player that Tino Martinez is: He's not the superstar like Derek Jeter, but he's there every single game scoring runs and RBIs... he's just consistently a great player. He is without a doubt my very favorite baseball player.

After 2001, when Paul O'Neill and Scott Brosius retired and Tino wasn't re-signed I totally lost interest in the Yankees and moved over to the Yankee-hating camp. That's not really fair though, because I never really hated the Yankees, but I did hate George Steinbrenner... which is why for this Kentucky Derby I took such great pleasure from his horse, Bellamy Road, the favorite to win, not even placing. Too Fucking Brilliant.

I was so happy yesterday evening to see Tino back playing for the Yankees. But George Steinbrenner can still go and suck a giant donkey dick.

Dear McSweeney's,

Please have someone write something that completely sums up my love of baseball?

What? I'm sorry? You have?

Well then... Thanks.

Opening Day Genesis
by Glenn Birkemeier

In the big inning, God created Heaven on Earth. And it was without form, and void. God separated the dirt from the grass. He called the grass Outfield and the dirt He called Infield. God made the Infield a 90-foot square and the Outfield not less than 400 feet to center and 320 feet down the lines. He declared this Fair Territory. All other territory, God then declared, was Foul.

And God divided the players into two teams of nine players each, under direction of a manager, to play The Game on His field. God called some of these players Pitchers and some of them Hitters. He placed a Pitcher precisely 60 feet, 6 inches from a Hitter. Then God commanded that it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ol' Ballgame.

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